{"id":4085,"date":"1965-10-01T01:00:00","date_gmt":"1965-10-01T01:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.rbc.com\/en\/about-us\/history\/letter\/october-1965-vol-46-no-l0-courtesy-in-correspondence\/"},"modified":"2022-11-28T01:23:13","modified_gmt":"2022-11-28T01:23:13","slug":"october-1965-vol-46-no-l0-courtesy-in-correspondence","status":"publish","type":"rbc_letter","link":"https:\/\/www.rbc.com\/en\/about-us\/history\/letter\/october-1965-vol-46-no-l0-courtesy-in-correspondence\/","title":{"rendered":"October 1965 &#8211; VOL. 46, No. l0 &#8211; Courtesy in Correspondence"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"layout-column-main\">\n<p class=\"boldtext\">Writing letters is a skill; writing                     courteous letters is a social art worth developing.<\/p>\n<p> Courtesy means that you refuse a favour in so considerate                     a way as to keep a friend, and do not grant credit in so grudging                     a way as to kill all hope of future business.<\/p>\n<p>Considerations of manner and demeanour cannot be dismissed                     as frivolous or unimportant. They are significant elements                     in the lives of everyone from a statesman engaging in international                     diplomacy to the husband and wife making a go of marriage.                     In business, our accomplishments are enhanced by our observance                     of decorum and manners.<\/p>\n<p>Every individual is required to operate within the symbol                     system of his culture. He uses recognized patterns of behaviour                     to demonstrate that he has the qualities that are respected                     by his fellow men.<\/p>\n<p>Confucius said: &#8220;It is good manners which make the excellence                     of a neighbourhood. No wise man will settle where they are                     lacking.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>It may be true, as some people say, that manners have progressively                     deteriorated as society has receded from the patriarchal stage                     through industrial revolution to the affluent age. One of                     the dangers in the growth of the democratic spirit is that                     people come to take bad manners as a demonstration of freedom                     from the discipline of non-democracy, having not yet                     learned that the power of the people has its duties as well                     as its liberties.<\/p>\n<p>How can we define good manners? To be well-mannered                     is to do the thing you should do although you are not obliged                     to do it. This means being considerate of others, taking no                     unfair advantage, avoiding personalities that hurt people,                     and never being intentionally impolite.<\/p>\n<p>Manners are of more importance than laws. The law touches                     us only here and there and now and then; manners vex or please                     us, exalt or debase us, constantly. Moses is known as the                     &#8220;great law-giver&#8221;, particularly because he inscribed                     the Ten Commandments, but he entered the field of manners,                     too. He went beyond the &#8220;musts&#8221; of a well-organized society,                     and prescribed the conduct of a gentleman: to be gentle with                     those who are afflicted, to refrain from gossip, to respect                     the aged, and to be kind even to strangers.<\/p>\n<p>No matter to what station in life you belong, or how highly                     educated you may be, you owe courtesy to your fellow men.                     Here is an illustration from the life of Sir Winston Churchill:                     On a day in May 1941 when he had already been on his feet                     in the House of Commons with hard news about the fighting                     in Crete, he rose for a second time with a piece of welcome                     news, but he apologized all the same for interrupting the                     House: &#8220;I do not know whether I might venture, with great                     respect, to intervene for one moment. I have just received                     news that the Bismarck is sunk.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Good manners include tact, the art of all arts. Tact means                     taking pains and some trouble to see that others are not neglected,                     and doing the kind thing in a pleasant way. Great leaders                     are tactful in dealing with people, taking many precautions                     which lesser men neglect.<\/p>\n<h3>When writing letters<\/h3>\n<p>Have you ever stopped to think how self-revealing your                     letters are? Socrates said to a young man who was introduced                     to him to have his capabilities tested: &#8220;Talk in order that                     I may see you.&#8221; In their letters people reveal and picture                     themselves in all their individuality.<\/p>\n<p>Much of business today is done by correspondence. We may                     close the biggest deal without meeting the person with whom                     we transact the business. We must read his letters carefully                     so as to get his point, and write our own letters carefully                     so as to convey our meaning.<\/p>\n<p>More than that, we need to write letters of good will. It                     is courteous to make it evident to your correspondent that                     you are writing him cheerfully and not as a chore.<\/p>\n<p>Congeniality makes an important contribution to your happiness,                     even if it is expressed in face of hostility. You belittle                     your dignity if you allow a discourteous correspondent to                     set the pattern for your reply. There is no surer sign of                     a great mind than that it refuses to notice annoying expressions                     and the cross-grained humours of fellow citizens and                     colleagues. As the Superman boasted in Nietzsche&#8217;s doctrine:                     &#8220;I have to carry what is heavy; and what matter if beetles                     and May-bugs also alight on my load!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Nothing is so disarming to an angry opponent as composure.                     Dogs bark at the slightest stir, before they have seen whether                     it be caused by friend or foe, but man&#8217;s reason gives him                     the chance to deliberate. Instead of dashing off an out-of-temper                     letter with its sarcastic phrases and blunt aggressiveness                     we can analyse the situation, take command of it, and avoid                     a shabby display of peevishness.<\/p>\n<p>When a man loses his temper he also loses his sense of dignity,                     his common sense, and his feeling for justice. It is a good                     rule, when you are so exasperated that you simply must get                     something off your chest, to hold over your letter for a second                     look tomorrow.<\/p>\n<h3>Respect others and yourself<\/h3>\n<p>Tune in on people. One of the surest ways to win a man is                     to show respect for his knowledge and deference to his person.<\/p>\n<p>There is no more evident sign of intellectual ill breeding                     than to speak or write slightingly of any knowledge you yourself                     do not happen to possess. Your urge to show yourself superior                     will dig a hole for your pride.<\/p>\n<p>Men are fighting a constant battle against oblivion, and                     do not like being taken for granted. The craving of people                     for personal recognition is a deep and fundamental human need.                     Your letters should be written so as to make your correspondent                     feel important and capable.<\/p>\n<p>Courtesy demands, therefore, that you treat your correspondent&#8217;s                     name and position and title with respect. Some people, but                     they are few, do not care what you call them so long as they                     get the information they want. Most people respect their names,                     and expect you to do so too. Your letter, though it be truthful,                     must not rub your correspondent the wrong way. Give him nourishment                     for his self-esteem.<\/p>\n<p>It is well to keep in mind that the letter you write may                     be read by others than the man to whom you address it&#8221; his                     secretary, his assistant, the person who will have to deal                     directly with the matter about which you write, and the filing                     clerks. To humiliate your correspondent in the eyes of these                     people is to impart a grievous wound.<\/p>\n<p>Every letter, even the most official, is capable of a peculiar                     dignity in the form of it, peculiar in that it is fitting                     to your correspondent, to its subject matter, and to you.                     It is void of arrogance and yet not condescending.<\/p>\n<h3>A good letter<\/h3>\n<p>There is general agreement that if a letter is worth writing                     it is worth writing well, and no excuse should be allowed                     to interfere. A firm may spend millions of dollars to advertise                     its products, only to have some untrained, uninterested or                     thoughtless clerk spoil the effect by writing an uninspired                     or shoddy letter.<\/p>\n<p>There is room for honest pride in the successful communication                     of ideas. Despite all the imposing titles he won in a lifetime                     of service to humanity, Franklin described himself in his                     Will: &#8220;I, Benjamin Franklin, Printer&#8230; &#8221;<\/p>\n<p>To be good communication, your letter ought to have a tendency                     to benefit the reader; it should be written distinctly and                     clearly. Your words should be the most expressive that the                     language affords provided that they are generally understood.<\/p>\n<p>But there is more to it than that. Good letters are not                     merely the written record of information we desire to reach                     someone else. We are losing their greatest effectiveness unless                     we use them to influence people. Very few propositions are                     decided by pure logic, but involve the imagination and feelings.<\/p>\n<p>Good composition in letter-writing does not mean using                     rhyme or alliteration, but the graceful expression of a creative                     spirit. It changes the writing of letters from a dull grind                     to an exciting exercise in which your mind gives life to your                     words.<\/p>\n<p>The basis of all this is to find out the dominant interest                     of the person to whom you are writing, and include in your                     letter some appeal to that interest.<\/p>\n<p>You cannot just pick up an incoming letter and start dictating                     a reply. Take a look at what you want to express and then                     think about how to put it down. Ask yourself what are your                     correspondent&#8217;s interests, and write about them. You will                     be surprised to notice how few are the questions and how unpenetrating                     are the comments you receive about your own activities. Think                     what interesting things you could tell if someone pushed the                     proper button!<\/p>\n<p>When you write a letter you are in competition with many                     other writers for your correspondent&#8217;s attention and interest.                     This is not a competition in which the winner is the man who                     writes most poetically, or most grammatically, or most fluently,                     or most ornately. It is one in which the prize goes to the                     person who can best guide and inform and persuade. To give                     information is one function of a letter. To persuade to some                     action or belief is another function. To combine these in                     friendly language requires the greatest skill and a warm heart.<\/p>\n<p>All correspondence will adhere to the simple rules of common                     decency, but you can go further. Let your letters have something                     in them not common and ordinary. Just as small talk is necessary                     in social intercourse, so small talk is needed in a letter.                     It helps to bridge the gap between thought and thought; it                     brings down the technicalities and abstractions to the human                     level.<\/p>\n<h3>The exchange of ideas<\/h3>\n<p>A sense of participation and sharing characterizes successful                     communication, and this is helped when you convey something                     of your feelings and motives.<\/p>\n<p>The most important executive characteristic of which we                     are certain is the ability to communicate two ways &#8211; outward                     and inward. While writing in such a way as to give your reader                     the opportunity to apprehend your meaning readily and precisely,                     be sure to give him his turn to express his thoughts so that                     you understand them.<\/p>\n<p>The letters exchanged between you and a customer or supplier                     are nothing more than a conversation between two people talking                     of their affairs. They should have the grace and urbanity                     you would use in a club lounge or over a coffee table.<\/p>\n<p>During these conversations by mail you will run into these                     situations: sometimes you are right; sometimes both are partly                     right; sometimes the other person is right. Because of these                     possibilities, you need to pay attention, not to listen by                     halves. What your correspondent is saying to you may be misguided,                     but it serves to bring your thinking into focus. The great                     orator of ancient times, Cicero, left it on record that he                     always studied his adversary&#8217;s case with as great, if not                     with still greater, intensity than his own. Cicero believed                     that he who knows only his own side of the case knows little                     of that.<\/p>\n<p>When a troublesome suggestion has been made, restate it                     clearly and simply for two reasons: to make sure that you                     are both writing about the same thing, and to make evident                     your sympathy and understanding.<\/p>\n<p>Every wise person expects, and welcomes, objections and                     opposition to his ideas and plans when he first brings them                     forward. He appreciates having these protests out in the open                     so that he can meet them and lead their author toward a different                     way of thinking.<\/p>\n<p>In developing this written conversation it is important                     to be affable in phraseology and unvaryingly moderate. We                     all know people who are handicapped by the fact that even                     when their points are valid they present them with such screechiness                     as to make us back away.<\/p>\n<p>If someone has difficulty in taking in what you have written,                     think first whether what you wrote was as clear as you could                     have made it. The fault may be in yourself, and to change                     a fault in oneself is much easier than to change the intellectual                     capacity of another.<\/p>\n<p>People require different periods for mental digestion, but                     everyone requires some time to assimilate what he reads. We                     should allow for this in our correspondence, and by simplicity                     of explanation make the digestive process easier. It is less                     difficult to move your correspondent from one point of view                     to its opposite by short steps than long ones. Show him that                     you have explored alternatives and have objectively analysed                     their possibilities and drawbacks.<\/p>\n<p>Always leave a way of escape open to your correspondent.                     There is much to be said for the old Chinese doctrine of &#8220;face-saving&#8221;.<\/p>\n<p>And know when to give in. There was a philosopher who argued                     with an emperor, and lost. &#8220;I am never ashamed,&#8221; he remarked,                     &#8220;to be confuted by one who is master of fifty legions.&#8221;<\/p>\n<h3>Constructive and positive<\/h3>\n<p>It is never very satisfactory merely to clear your correspondent&#8217;s                     mind of error; it is equally necessary to set it thinking                     correctly. Here is another area where your personal interest                     counts. You can dip a thousand pens into a thousand ink-pots                     without moving the mind of your correspondent an inch, but                     if you pluck a phrase of interest to him from the activity                     of your mind, you have him in the hollow of your hand.<\/p>\n<p>Charming ways are quick winners. These are your expression                     of consideration and goodwill. Far from being evidence of                     cowardice, intelligent compromise is often the essence of                     courageous wisdom. When you yield on small points which are                     of concern to your correspondent, then out of sheer chivalry                     he is likely to give in to you on points which are vital to                     your case.<\/p>\n<p>We can say that the first thing a correspondent looks for                     in a letter is friendliness. Then he seeks some spark of emotional                     appeal or response.<\/p>\n<p>These are not achieved by having beside you an array of                     pleasant words and sentiments for insertion in your letters.                     Such a list may help you to express yourself, but unless your                     friendliness is real you are putting up a fragile sham front.<\/p>\n<p>Next on the list, or perhaps it should be first, your correspondent                     requires that your reply be prompt. People may differ about                     the form a letter should take, how lengthy it should be, and                     many other points, but no one can successfully argue against                     the need for promptness in writing.<\/p>\n<p>Some offices have the rule that all letters must be acknowledged                     immediately, even though action on them may be delayed. This                     courteous gesture serves to assure the reader that his letter                     has been received and will be given full attention.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Discretion&#8221; is a good word for the letter-writer to                     have in mind. Take no liberties, either in blaming or in complimenting.                     Intimacy is not an excuse for rough manners, nor for telling                     the truth out of place or unnecessarily. Prudence in letter-writing                     will make up for many lacks.<\/p>\n<p>If, in spite of all your efforts to be moderate and to compromise,                     you must disagree with your correspondent, do it gently. Avoid                     delivering final judgments. Dogmatism is all right in a railroad                     time-table, but it has little place in the discussion                     of a commercial transaction or a personal problem.<\/p>\n<p>One of the greatest talents is that of knowing when to give                     way, and then to yield with good grace. You thereby remove                     all appearance of constraint, and like the warriors in <em>King                     Henry V<\/em>, sheathe your swords for lack of argument.<\/p>\n<h3>Complaint letters<\/h3>\n<p>There is no more testing exercise in business than the handling                     of complaint letters. Do not do it grudgingly.<\/p>\n<p>A letter of complaint is advance warning of a possible rupture                     with your correspondent. A most effective tactic is to treat                     it as a constructive suggestion about how to improve your                     service. Tell your correspondent he has done you a good turn.                     A quite moderate degree of conciliatory behaviour will placate                     your correspondent and win him over to the adjustment you                     suggest.<\/p>\n<p>Above all, if you or your firm are in the wrong, admit it                     quickly and whole-heartedly. Instead of trying out an                     alibi, or working around to your confession by degrees, come                     right out and say &#8220;You are entirely correct&#8221; or &#8220;You are quite                     right to complain&#8221;. One of Confucius&#8217; most famous sayings                     is that &#8220;a man who has made a mistake and doesn&#8217;t correct                     it is making another mistake&#8221;.<\/p>\n<p>Seldom is it safe to joke about a complaint. People with                     complaints usually crave sympathy, not humour. Sarcasm is                     a sharp weapon and is sure to leave a deep wound. To make                     your correspondent appear ridiculous may give you a narrow                     sort of satisfaction, but result in grievous harm to your                     firm or your cause.<\/p>\n<p>Your letter of apology for a mistake need not be tear-stained,                     but it should be sincere and should evidence your integrity                     and chivalry. As Princess Victoria wrote in her diary: &#8220;People                     will readily forget an insult or an injury when others own                     their fault and express sorrow or regret at what they have                     done.&#8221; The letter of apology should be signed by an officer                     of importance in your organization. This demonstrates to the                     man with a grievance that he is someone of account.<\/p>\n<p>Do not let your people bottle up complaint letters. Keep                     a &#8220;hot line&#8221; open. If an employee takes half a day to decide                     that a complaint is worth passing upstairs to his manager,                     and the manager hesitates for a day before admitting that                     a customer has found fault with someone or something under                     his management, and one of your assistants holds back the                     letter until you are in a receptive frame of mind &#8211; then you                     have lost the priceless advantage of quick action.<\/p>\n<h3>On the other hand &#8211; appreciation<\/h3>\n<p>Courtesy is not only in response to some challenge or act.                     It is outgoing, seeking means for expression. The worst sin                     toward our fellow creatures, said the sharp-tongued George                     Bernard Shaw, is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to                     them.<\/p>\n<p>To praise good work or actions heartily is in some measure                     to take part in them. Because there are many times when it                     is necessary to deal sternly with people it seems only sensible                     to take advantage of every opportunity to recognize and compliment                     them. Dr. Samuel Johnson wrote with bitterness to the Earl                     of Chesterfield: &#8220;I had done all that I could; and no man                     is well pleased to have his all neglected, be it ever so little.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>When someone writes you a letter of particular charm or                     ready understanding, do not shy away from writing to express                     your cordial appreciation.<\/p>\n<h3>We are not machines<\/h3>\n<p>In any discussion of letter-writing, someone is sure                     to bring up the question of the modern way of doing things.                     They deny the fact that communication between people is not                     a variation of communication between computers.<\/p>\n<p>Letter-writing demands that we write as if we were                     talking with one of our peers. If we must choose between discourteous                     abruptness and the snuffy and old-fashioned manners of                     courtesy, business will be the better and human relations                     will be happier if we lean toward the latter. Many schools                     have most lamentably neglected to provide pupils with alternative                     courtesy phrases to use instead of those which are condemned.<\/p>\n<p>The greatest social asset that a man or woman can have is                     charm, and charm cannot exist without good manners. This does                     not mean slavishly following some rules, but using habitually                     manners polished by the continuous practice of kind impulses.<\/p>\n<p>Courtesy is far and away the most effective quality to lift                     you above the crowd. It makes you treat every man with such                     consideration that his memory of you will be pleasant.<\/p>\n<p>Ralph Waldo Emerson expressed a true idea of courtesy in                     his &#8220;Conduct of Life&#8221;. Some people brush off good manners                     as being superficial, but Emerson said: &#8220;Manners are the happy                     ways of doing things. If they are superficial, so are the                     dewdrops which give such a depth to the morning meadows.&#8221;<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":79,"featured_media":0,"template":"","categories":[1],"rbc_letter_theme":[],"rbc_letter_year":[45],"class_list":["post-4085","rbc_letter","type-rbc_letter","status-publish","hentry","category-uncategorized","rbc_letter_year-45"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.2 (Yoast SEO v27.2) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>October 1965 - VOL. 46, No. l0 - Courtesy in Correspondence - RBC<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.rbc.com\/en\/about-us\/history\/letter\/october-1965-vol-46-no-l0-courtesy-in-correspondence\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"October 1965 - VOL. 46, No. l0 - Courtesy in Correspondence - RBC\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Writing letters is a skill; writing courteous letters is a social art worth developing. Courtesy means that you refuse a favour in so considerate a way as to keep a friend, and do not grant credit in so grudging a way as to kill all hope of future business. 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Courtesy means that you refuse a favour in so considerate a way as to keep a friend, and do not grant credit in so grudging a way as to kill all hope of future business. Considerations of manner and demeanour cannot [&hellip;]","og_url":"https:\/\/www.rbc.com\/en\/about-us\/history\/letter\/october-1965-vol-46-no-l0-courtesy-in-correspondence\/","og_site_name":"RBC","article_modified_time":"2022-11-28T01:23:13+00:00","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Est. reading time":"15 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.rbc.com\/en\/about-us\/history\/letter\/october-1965-vol-46-no-l0-courtesy-in-correspondence\/","url":"https:\/\/www.rbc.com\/en\/about-us\/history\/letter\/october-1965-vol-46-no-l0-courtesy-in-correspondence\/","name":"October 1965 - VOL. 46, No. l0 - Courtesy in Correspondence - RBC","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.rbc.com\/en\/#website"},"datePublished":"1965-10-01T01:00:00+00:00","dateModified":"2022-11-28T01:23:13+00:00","inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.rbc.com\/en\/about-us\/history\/letter\/october-1965-vol-46-no-l0-courtesy-in-correspondence\/"]}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.rbc.com\/en\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.rbc.com\/en\/","name":"RBC","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.rbc.com\/en\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"}]}},"parsely":{"version":"1.1.0","canonical_url":"https:\/\/rbc.com\/en\/about-us\/history\/letter\/october-1965-vol-46-no-l0-courtesy-in-correspondence\/","smart_links":{"inbound":0,"outbound":0},"traffic_boost_suggestions_count":0,"meta":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","headline":"October 1965 &#8211; 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