Vol. 78 N° 3 — Summer 1997 —
The Key to Self-Esteem
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It's a word that's on everybody's lips these
days, and there is good reason why people should be worried
about it in the kind of society we live in. But before they
go looking for easy ways out of the problem, they should consider
the inextricable connection between self-esteem and self-respect...
Anyone who automatically assumes that "self-esteem" is just
another overworked catchphrase of our Sensitive New Age might
refer to John Milton, whose deathless epic poem Paradise
Lost was published in 1667. In it he wrote: "Oft-times
nothing profits more / than self -esteem, grounded on just
and right..."
The term is representative of the touchy-feely psychobabble
of the nineties only insofar as it has taken on a certain
fuzziness as to its... like... meaning. Dictionaries have
traditionally defined it simply as "a good opinion of oneself;"
now, it is being bounced around indiscriminately as a substitute
for sundry similar words such as self-image, self-confidence,
and self-respect.
As we shall see later on, this semantical blurring is not
without importance. But first it must be said that although
the concept of self-esteem is nothing new, there can be no
doubt that the current preoccupation with it is a product
of our particular times.
Present-day social conditions in western countries are hardly
conducive to people thinking well of themselves. And these
days, problematically enough, they seem to start thinking
ill of themselves earlier and earlier in life.
With so many couples divorced or separated, their children
may feel deserted and unwanted, or feel that it was somehow
due to their own shortcomings that their parents have parted.
When families do stay together, today's working mothers and
fathers are often short of time to spend with their children.
The latter may wonder if the lack of attention they perceive
is due to some flaw in themselves.
When children graduate to their teens, the prevailing social
climate of permissiveness may entice them into situations
which end up doing damage to their self-image. They are exposed
to various addictions, which sooner or later make them despise
themselves for being unable to control their own behaviour.
They enter into easily disposable romantic relationships,
and the inevitable disappointments involved may cause them
to feel rejected again and again.
When older youths enter the employment market, many find
that the only jobs they can get fail to measure up to their
education or native intelligence, which may make them question
their own intrinsic value. Full-fledged adults in the workplace
are also prone to self-depreciation. In recent years multitudes
of workers have been bumped out of jobs by corporate downsizing
and the other effects of advancing technology and economic
globalization. The men and women thus displaced are subject
to the feeling that there must be something wrong with them
if others have kept their jobs while they have failed to "make
the cut."
Identification with one's occupation is an important source
of self- esteem, and it is liable to sink among displaced
workers or early retirees who suddenly find themselves cast
in the ignominious role of has-beens. The fact that people
are living longer than ever poses another self-esteem problem
as an increasing number of seniors feel that they have lost
their usefulness.
Overhanging all this is a cultural ethos, which implicitly
equates success in all facets of life with normality. It has
been said that you don't die in America, you underachieve.
Psychologists view low self-esteem as an expression of the
discrepancy between people's ideal images of themselves and
their actual situations and personalities. That is, they feel
inferior because they have not become what they would like
to be.
As far as human feelings are concerned, it is this discrepancy
that sets the present era apart from the rest of history.
Up until at least the beginning of the present century, human
beings in the mass were conditioned to "know their place"
in society.
It has been said that you don't die in America,
you underachieve.
A firm belief in religion brought resignation to one's lot
in life based on God-fearing humility. People did indeed aspire
to an ideal state, but they did not expect to attain it in
their mortal existence. They thought of it as something they
would experience after their deaths as a reward for having
lived properly, according to God's will.
It was only well into the 20th century that ordinary human
beings were faced with the prospect of becoming anything they
wanted, especially in North America. Today's mass media deliver
proof that they can make their dreams come true in the form
of success stories which glorify celebrities who have pulled
themselves up by their bootstraps. If those glamorous symbolic
figures can make it to the top, why not anyone? Why not you?
At the same time, the decline in religious faith has rudely
thrown individuals on their own responsibility. When God's
will is left out of the equation, it is clearly your own fault
if you do not live up to your potential or to what you or
your parents have deemed your potential to be.
The vernacular of the times offers an illustration of how
people in this achievement-oriented society see themselves
and those around them. The word "loser" describes people who
do not keep pace with their confreres in the acquisition of
money, status, material goods, and golden personal relationships.
The expression implies that life is a contest in which a
person who is not among the winners must lack character, diligence,
intelligence, or attractiveness. Clearly people who see themselves
as losers - or who think that other people see them as such
- cannot be expected to glow with self-esteem.
Birth of a movement
Not only do we have losers in our society, we literally
have born losers. Whole classes of people have been shut out
of the (North) American Dream by discrimination against their
race, disability, gender, social status or other accidents
of birth.
It was among a section of these born losers that the present
self- esteem movement started. It was conceived by sociologists
who concluded that many of the problems in the distressed
black communities of the United States indirectly arose from
Afro- American people depreciating themselves.
The guiding premise of the movement is that people who think
badly of themselves will behave badly, or at least behave
in ways that are destructive both to themselves and society.
The organized drive to boost self-esteem originally took
the form of trying to improve the self-image of black children
by letting them know that they are fundamentally as good as
anybody. Teachers in inner city schools were urged to reinforce
the strengths of each individual pupil. They made fusses over
the children: Michael draws beautifully, Jennifer can sing
like an angel, Sarah has marvellous interpersonal skills.
The movement then spread to children with no particular
social disadvantages who were thought to lack self-esteem
for any number of reasons: they might be shy or homely or
what-have-you. Schools began to specialize in instilling self-esteem
in the offspring of the American upper middle class.
A product to be sold
Life for these children became a succession of awards. There
were cake-and-ice cream celebrations for "kids of the week,"
and " extraordinary kids." Congratulatory scrolls and printed
T-shirts (" Superkid!") were presented to pupils who actually
had done nothing special. Critics wrote that this hype was
not building self-esteem so much as it was puffing up egos.
It might even prove psychologically dangerous to the "superkids"
later in life when the realities of the world cut them down
to size.
A few lonely voices pointed out that self-esteem begins
at home, and that there would be little need for special self-esteem
classes or camps if parents would only pay more attention
to the childhood need for approval.
Children whose parents always tell them about what they
do wrong, and never about what they do right, are unlikely
to respond effectively to the transparent flattery employed
in some self- esteem courses. In fact, youngsters usually
have keen noses for the contradictions between rhetoric and
reality - in this case, between what they hear in school and
what they experience in their homes.
When the self-esteem movement reached the adult level, promoters
naturally began cashing in on it. Self-esteem became a product
to be sold.
Much of the so-called literature on the subject is composed
of buzz- words, platitudes, and contrived advice to do things
like carrying around little file cards which you can take
out of your pocket in gloomy moments to remind you of how
much you have to be proud of. Heaps of verbiage exhort you
to "find the genius within you," etc. The self-help market
is replete with self-esteem centres, self- esteem videos,
self-esteem board games, self-esteem greeting cards.
The mini-industry that has grown up around self-esteem tends
to offer people a high opinion of themselves without requiring
them to earn it. It purveys a kind of doctrine of original
sin in reverse: no matter how bad an actor you are, you deserve
your own approval by virtue of being alive.
This pseudo-doctrine is consistent with the trendy social
attitude which holds that just about the worst thing a person
can be is " judgmental." In good biblical fashion, the modern
man and woman judges not, that he or she not be judged.
Towards the "bad me"
The trouble with some people is they have included themselves
as well as others in this sensible bargain. If everybody else
can get away with anything free of censure, then surely they
are entitled to the same treatment by their own consciences.
Pop psychologists add to this impression. Wrote one, who shall
be nameless: "You don't have to try, you just have to be."
The core of their message as regards self-esteem is that
people should not attempt to draw it from others. They are
unique individuals, warts and all, and that is sufficient
unto itself.
A "Self-Esteem Declaration" published on the Internet tells
its readers to proclaim: "I AM ME IN ALL THE WORLD, THERE
IS NO ONE ELSE EXACTLY LIKE ME, EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT
OF ME IS AUTHENTICALLY MINE BECAUSE I ALONE CHOOSE IT." Presumably
this is to be repeated like a mantra until it becomes an organic
part of one's being.
The theory of going it alone in the world makes a certain
amount of sense in light of the fact that the really grave
problems of low self-esteem are the result of people becoming
overly dependent on what others think about them or feel towards
them. To translate the findings of psychological researchers
into simple terms, individual self-esteem is supported by
the love and appreciation of others: take that support away,
and the ego goes into free fall.
The mini-industry that has grown up around self-esteem tends to offer people a high opinion of themselves without requiring earn it.
Often people with severe self-esteem problems tie their
whole self- image to the approval of a single "dominant other."
When they feel rejected by that figure, they become angry
with themselves and conceive an image of themselves as "the
bad me," and often behave accordingly. Their self-esteem spirals
down to the point of chronic depression or even suicide. Victims
of low self-esteem kill themselves when they are convinced
that nobody (primarily the dominant other) cares whether they
live or die.
Others may believe that people think ill of them because
of something in their past which has made them adopt a "bad
me" self- image. These include the victims of household abuse
or sexual crimes, and marital cast-offs. Victims of debilitating
and disfiguring illnesses and accidents are similarly subject
to seeing themselves in an unfavourable light through no fault
of their own.
People like this need help, but they will not be helped
by panaceas that trivialize a truly serious emotional condition.
If the quick and easy solutions being offered do not work,
those in serious psychological distress are left feeling more
downhearted than ever. They are far more likely to find succour
in support groups of their fellow-sufferers, who know just
how they feel.
The idea of worthiness
The operative word here is "support," because without it,
sufferers are likely to drift into continual misery. Emotional
self- sufficiency is necessary up to a point, but to promote
it as the sole antidote to low self-esteem is to defy human
nature.
For unless they are psychopaths, people do care about what
others think about them and feel towards them. It is bred
in the bone: small schoolchildren, for example, will agonize
over whether the classmates they like really like them in
return. People of all ages will take great pains over their
appearance to win the approval of their peers.
Here we come back to the semantical blurring of self-esteem
and self -respect, in which the two terms are used interchangeably.
They are not the same: self-esteem is interior, self-respect
is exterior, like the ceiling and roof of a house.
A man can have the highest opinion of himself in the world
for no reason that is at all discernible to his neighbour.
If his neighbour thinks the world of him for good reason,
then he is entitled not only to the respect of the neighbour,
but of himself.
It is instructive that a feeling of worthlessness is usually
cited as a symptom of dangerously low self-esteem. And that
comes around to the old-fashioned idea of worthiness. Are
you worthy of the good opinion of those around you? What have
you done to deserve their good opinion or otherwise? Only
when you have earned respect by objective standards can you
honestly respect yourself.
A normal hazard of life
Note that in the quotation at the outset of this essay,
John Milton makes the qualification that, to profit somebody,
self-esteem must be grounded on just and right. Anyone who
thinks that a good opinion of oneself can stand without the
support of outside approval is either an egotist or a reckless
rebel intent on defying the world.
Indeed, defiance is a characteristic of those who seriously
lack self-respect. When disapproval of their actions is expressed,
they are likely to say, in effect: "If you think that was
bad, watch this! " The easiest thing to do when you have done
something to lower your self-respect is to lower your standards.
Before long, you may find yourself keeping company with others
who have also let their standards slip, and habitually doing
things that are unworthy of your better self, much to the
eventual detriment of your self-esteem.
Nothing makes a person feel better about him or herself than to overcome adversity with head held high.
The only case in which self-esteem can be considered in
isolation from self-respect is among children. They have done
nothing to rate a low opinion from those around them, and
therefore have nothing which should make them feel bad about
themselves - unless their parents put them down. Perhaps the
worst thing parents can do to their children's' self-esteem
is to act so badly themselves that their children become objects
of ridicule. It is the way of the world to identify children
with their parents. Children can have little self-respect
if their parents manifestly have none.
As for the rest of us, we should not be so quick to believe
that we suffer from low self-esteem just because we sometimes
feel inadequate. We certainly should not be misled by popular
attitudes to allow our self-esteem to suffer because we have
not met with demonstrable success in our careers. The law
of averages says that the great majority of players in the
game of life will not be winners. In any case, most of us
are not willing to make the arduous personal sacrifices required
to come out on top.
We should make a clear distinction between what we are responsible
for and what we are not. We cannot be individually responsible
for conditions in the society or the economy. And we are surely
not responsible for the conditions of our birth. If we meet
with misfortune, it should be taken as a challenge to our
self-esteem rather than a blow to it. Nothing makes a person
feel better about him or herself than to overcome adversity
with head held high.
Another point to keep in mind is that practically everyone
experiences disappointment at frequent intervals. It should
not seen as a sign of failure due to a personality flaw, but
as a normal hazard of life. Disappointment may even turn out
to form the groundwork for lasting contentment. It is by being
disappointed in the lesser and the passing things in life
that we learn the value of the greater things that really
matter in the long run.
We should further realize that there is nothing abnormal
about comparing ourselves unfavourably with others. "To be
human means to feel inferior," as the pioneer psychologist
Alfred Adler wrote. In fact, it is undoubtedly better for
most individuals to feel a little inferior than to feel superior.
People with an overdose of self-esteem are likely to conclude
that they are so above it all that they need not care about
normal standards. In their arrant egotism, they do not feel
the need of the approval of those around them; but they hurt
those around them nevertheless.
Among reasonably well-balanced people, self-esteem goes
up and down according to circumstances. It serves as a gauge
to behaviour: you feel good about yourself when you have done
good, and bad about yourself when you have done bad. A fall
in self-esteem is usually the result of self-reproach for
having done things a person is ashamed of. In the longer term,
when people raise their standards of conduct, they accordingly
raise their self-esteem
To say that all the current to-do about it should not be
taken too seriously is not to say that poor self-esteem is
not, for some, a genuine affliction. We have all met people
who think too little of themselves for no good reason, and
if we on the other hand think a lot of them, we should let
it show.
At the same time, self-esteem does not come free. It must
be earned in the coin of self-respect, which arises from the
respect of others. That is true of everybody, which means
that it is as true of ourselves as it is of anybody else.
Published by RBC Financial Group. All editions from the RBC
Letter collection are available on our web site at www.rbc.com/responsibility/letter.
Our e-mail address is: rbcletter@rbc.com.
Publié aussi en francais.
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