December 1969 — VOL. 50, No. 12 — Diplomacy in
the Home
Download
PDF version
Families can live together and
prosper and be happy under an extraordinary variety of conditions
so long as they observe a few simple virtues, chief of which
is the practice of diplomacy.
The Canadian family has been exposed this century to violent
assaults by new ideas and to revolutionary changes in customs.
Some of the former functions of the family have been dispersed
into schools, youth associations and the like. Teen-age children,
who have grown up in the atmosphere of protest sit-ins and
group "togetherness" profess not to need parental guidance.
But nowhere else than in the family does a child learn the
vital art of getting along with people.
Diplomacy in the home is not a secretive and crafty science,
but is governed by the mild laws of reason and benevolence.
Some people may say that diplomacy is something for the State.
Well, is not the family a small State? Pope Leo XIII described
it in his Encyclical Letter in 1891: "... the 'society' of
a man's own household; a society limited indeed in numbers,
but a true 'society', anterior to every kind of State or nation,
with rights and duties of its own."
Whatever the mode of governance, the real heart of family
life is to be seen in the behaviour of the individual members
toward one another. The greatest art known to man is that
of living together harmoniously and helpfully. One head of
a family, seeking something to decorate the chimney-piece
in his library, cast away all other ideas in favour of a plaque
bearing two Greek words meaning "The healing-place of the
soul".
No social institution is more essential for the human race
than is the home. Here it is that we learn to be human. Forms
of national government have come and gone: kingdoms, republics,
dictatorships. All have had their day and declined, but the
family, made up of father, mother and children, endures because
it is the basic social, political and economic unit.
Some people may say that the times in which we live are
not appropriate to family life. Is it, then, only for placid
times? Is it not, rather, a haven, an institution, for times
that try men's souls? The family is a universal feature of
all human societies, not because it has been determined by
instincts and sentiment but because it has facilitated survival.
Family relationships
The relationship of husband and wife in the family is properly
one of equality secured by mutual affection. Marriage is not
a mere episode. It is the culmination of two lives, the products
of dissimilar circumstances, different upbringing, varying
attitudes toward life, and personal ways of doing things.
Success under these circumstances is not automatic. It has
to be worked for. There are two imperfect personalities to
be somehow blended, and there are difficulties from outside
to be coped with, such as economic circumstances and changing
ways of life.
It is not practicable to have a clear-cut division between
the responsibility of the husband and that of the wife. We
recall Guillaume Budé, an estimable sixteenth-century
humanist. When a servant entered his library and announced
that the house was on fire, Budé replied: "Go tell
your mistress. You know I leave all household matters in her
hands." The full significance of the marriage contract is
a mutual agreement in which there are indivisible responsibilities.
Strain is put upon marriage by the differing interests,
duties, and priorities of the partners. The world may hail
a man as being great — great in thought, word or deed
— but diplomacy is needed in the home to live day in
and day out with his idiosyncrasies, his petulances, his fears,
his pontification, and his attempts to enforce his business
obedience system on his wife and children.
The home is a place for trustworthiness, and that is a big
factor in diplomacy. The supreme value of parental affection
for children is that it is more reliable than any other affection.
The world could not operate at all if there were no such thing
as trustworthy devotion between husband and wife and parents
and children. This sort of attachment was summed up in a letter
which Queen Victoria wrote to Prince Albert: "... you will
in that find a proof of my love, because I must share with
you everything that rejoices me, everything that vexes or
grieves me, and I am certain you will take your part in it."
Sharing is the only means by which parents can bring into
play that power blended with gentleness which is the strength
of their influence upon children. They must continue to feel
superior, because they have lived more years and experienced
more events, but they must learn how best to use that superiority.
When parents come together to study their problem thoughtfully,
with creative honesty and with willingness to try to solve
it, they are actually participating in the making of the new
world in such a constructive way that the newness fails to
intimidate or terrify them.
Something about diplomacy
How does diplomacy in the home fit into this scheme of making
parenthood a constructive force in the emerging social order?
The dictionaries tell us that diplomacy is the art of negotiation
and skill in conducting the dealings of nations with one another,
and that a diplomat is an official engaged in promoting the
courtesy and friendliness of governments. These are qualities
needed in families as well as among nations.
Family relations are essentially the result of a complicated
interplay of understanding, non-understanding and misunderstanding.
Not to understand, and not to be understood, are disturbing
and perplexing experiences. Yet the remedy is simple: the
spirit of understanding is developed by wishing to understand,
and this is a principle that is basic in diplomacy.
There are different modes of diplomacy. The formalized diplomacy
a man uses in his office or workshop is not the sort needed
in his family circle, and yet the striped-pants ceremonial
attitude is a useful one with which to start diplomacy in
the home. The conventions help to smooth the path of dialogue;
the habit of discretion provides an environment in which members
of the family may talk freely; the tactful avoidance of an
open clash makes people accessible to persuasion and gentle
pressure.
When all in the family practise diplomacy, every person
in it benefits by the elimination of obstacles that are likely
to interfere with the attainment of his best desires. The
harmonious family forms the nearest complete basis for the
happiness and prosperity of the individual.
Unity and individuality
To call a family a "dynamically unified family" is quite
different from saying that it is a highly solidified family.
Its unity is based, not upon the authority of the family head,
but upon the consensus of its members. It meets family crises
co-operatively, but it emphasizes the individualities of its
members and makes room for their personality development.
When it makes decisions affecting the whole family they are
binding on everyone in it.
Unity in the family is not brought about by domination,
sets of rules or any similar force. It is the outcome of affection,
understanding, the sharing of experiences, mutual confiding,
companionship, and common interests in religion, in recreation
and in maintaining a status of decency.
The family is not merely an association of people living
together. It is an institution with forms and conditions of
procedure according to which group activity is carried on.
Non-involvement is utterly impossible. Some people deceive
themselves by thinking that they can be onlookers at an interesting
dramatic performance without becoming part of it. Every member
of the family is an actor on its stage and must play his part
in accordance with the script approved by all.
The widespread acceptance of democratic theory has made
the world uncomfortable, and its adoption into the family
poses many problems. The children enter into family planning
and activities and the parents share their authority among
all members of the family in varying degrees.
This is a ticklish situation, in which the only relief is
the practice of diplomacy. The lesson must be somehow learned
that increased participation demands increased shouldering
of responsibility — a principle not yet grasped by millions
of people who profess to prize their political democracy.
The inter-family personality situation is extremely sensitive
and delicate. Individuality is a precious possession. The
role and status of every member of the family must be properly
recognized and liberally appreciated by the other members,
or the delicate mechanism is disturbed, personal feelings
are injured, and the family equilibrium is upset.
Mutual respect, the mainstay of successful diplomacy, is
not merely a matter of doctrine or convention. In the family,
it must be something deeply felt with almost mystical conviction
to such a degree that possessiveness and oppression become
impossible.
To cope with change
We are becoming aware gradually of the fact that we are
part way into a society which is based upon the probability
of change, and on the way out of a society which was based
upon the apparent certainty of permanence. This is true in
business, government, and the family.
It has become necessary to recognize that new modes of behaviour,
sets of attitudes, and social values are being accepted and
practised as the right way of life.
Every social situation, including those within the family,
is influenced in part by technological developments. As an
example, consider transportation today compared with that
of forty or fifty years ago. Families can live farther from
the city centre and from places of employment; yet young people
are only a magic carpet trip away, by car, bus or airplane,
from experiences in their home city or in the wide world that
were closed to them until the past few years.
These changes bring in their train forms of social conduct
unlike those previously known and practised. The tendency
to underestimate the role of environmental factors causes
much family misunderstanding.
Both parties need to be sensible of the fact that young
people and parents are acting in the framework of different
situations. Instead of saying, when a member of the family
acts in a manner which is at variance with our expectations:
"Something is wrong with him" it is desirable to ask "Is there
something wrong with my assumptions and interpretations?"
We have seen, on a world scale, the craving of peoples to
become independent, sometimes before they were ready for self-government.
This hunger for liberation from restraint has grown into urgent
demand and violent action. The judgment of great colonial
powers has led them not only to relinquish governance but,
like the British Empire, to prepare the units for independence.
The transformation was accompanied by a deeply-felt struggle
between love of power and desire for the juvenile states'
good.
It is so in the family. While authority over the child is
to a certain extent decreed by the nature of things, it is
nevertheless desirable that the child should, as soon as possible,
learn to be independent in as many ways as possible. This
may be unpleasing to the power instinct in parents, but it
is something that should be done with grace and goodwill.
It is a sad fact that many parents cling to outmoded dominance
until they find themselves frustrated by young people who
will not stay to be scolded.
As to discipline, we might take a lesson from wild creatures.
Those who have watched families of sheep or elk in a national
park know that the mother has an eye always on her young ones.
They may venture here and there within a prescribed space
but when they step outside that area the mother makes a sign
and the young come scampering back.
Family discipline should not be too binding, and the circle
should be extended as the child makes progress toward autonomy.
Active diplomacy
In attempting to put diplomacy into use in the home, the
first requirement is sincerity, another word for honesty.
Sincerity is steadfast and substantial, and it does not waver
in the face of challenge and trouble.
Diplomacy is greatly aided by empathy. This is the capacity
to enter into and share the feelings, attitudes, interests
and experiences of others. When stumped by a problem brought
to you by one of the family, try to see it in its relations,
within the framework of the questioner's daily life, and in
the setting in which the problem arose.
Your diplomacy cannot be based upon indifference. The greatest
comfort you can give members of your family is understanding
made lively by enthusiasm.
When people tell you their disappointments, sorrows, aspirations
and expectations, these confidences must be respected. Unhappiness
will follow any breach of this rule, and the stream of understanding
will dry up.
Communication is vital
Effectual communication of thoughts and ideas is vital.
The mother's communication with her small baby is simple:
smiles, bodily movements, tone of voice, variations in the
cry of the baby. Contrast with these the breadth and depth
and complication of the intercommunication which goes on between
parents and their teen-age children, and between themselves.
All the symbols of language are used, plus indirect techniques
such as innuendoes, provisos, silence, and manner.
There is no place in family conversation for the assumption
made by avant-garde painters and composers and writers
that people must learn their language. This is the supreme
arrogance of the private 'I'. It declares: "Here is my cipher;
come and decode it." Everyone in the family owes it to everyone
else to be as intelligible as he can be.
There is also the obligation to listen. The true diplomat
never listens by halves: he pays attention. He gives others
their equitable opportunity to speak. If there are five in
your family, sitting around the table in a family conference,
and each does his share of the talking, each will be listening
eighty per cent of the time.
Not every kind of conversation is useful. The family does
not benefit from what is technically known as "domestic echolalia",
another name for nonsensical and repetitious chatter.
Congenial intelligent conversation is a great aid to family
concord and good understanding. Any idea brought forward by
a member of the family is discussed. Everyone feels that he
shares in the debate. Everyone can express his convictions
without implying that others are wrong.
There are limits, of course. A statesman's wife who kept
good track of her husband's talking used a private signal:
her warning to him to be quiet was calling him "William" instead
of "Will." In any diplomatic situation, striving to get in
"the last word" is the most disruptive and dangerous of infernal
machines.
Tools of diplomacy
Many of the things that disturb family life are the product
of original mistakes compounded by bad manners. Walter Hines
Page, distinguished United States ambassador to Great Britain,
said: "The more I find out about diplomatic customs, and the
more I hear of the little-big troubles of others, the more
need I find to be careful about details of courtesy."
If love is the foundation of happy marriage, good manners
are the walls and diplomacy is the roof.
The essays written by Addison and Steele have lived through
many years. In one of them Steele says: "Two persons who have
chosen each other out of all the species, with design to be
each other's mutual comfort and entertainment, have in that
action bound themselves to be good-humoured, affable, discreet,
forgiving, patient and joyful, with respect for each other's
frailties and perfections."
Manners for two are fixed by the same rules as are manners
for the million, based upon the Golden Rule. They spring from
kindness, courtesy and consideration, with a dash of savoir
faire — the faculty of knowing just what to do and
how to do it.
Members of the family give proof of their high regard for
one another by the delicacy with which they frame their requests
or instructions. Parents show a happy blend of authority and
companionship. They are simple, open and cordial, void of
all arrogance. They are more than kind; they are kindly, and
kindliness means a pleasant way of doing a kind thing.
As a minimum, diplomacy in the family asks everyone to be
considerate and decent, gracefully remembering the rights
of others. At its best, diplomacy is unruffled good breeding,
taking care and trouble to see that others are not neglected.
It does not take anyone for granted.
The word "tact" covers a great deal that is essential in
diplomacy. It means being completely aware of the feeling
belonging to certain situations and acting in accordance with
what courtesy dictates. It means offering a discomfited member
of the family a chance to "save face." It even means the difficult
exercise of being generous and gracious while being honest
and unyielding — what Ralph Waldo Emerson called "good-natured
inflexibility."
"A word fitly spoken"
The giving of praise and commendation is one of the special
privileges and charming graces of family life and one of the
most useful tools in diplomacy. Among the Proverbs ascribed
to Solomon are these: "A word spoken in due season, how good
is it!" and "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in
pictures of silver."
When you praise a member of the family it increases your
credit for having good taste. It shows that you have learnt
to know what is excellent, and hence how to prize it in your
family. The commendation need not be confined to achievements,
but may show appreciation of effort. It need not be extravagant,
but it should not be withheld because it does not seem to
be adequate. We are amused by an episode in the life of Napoleon.
On a motion to award the great general a pension, the French
Assembly decided that "Such glorious deeds could not be rewarded
by gold" so gave him nothing.
Jealousy should not be allowed to interfere with the giving
of credit and praise. To envy another person his skill or
accomplishments or social grace is to grieve over our own
lack of these, and is demeaning to us.
The art of the possible
Diplomacy is not a cure-all, but it makes room for things
to be set right. It helps to solve even the most awesome problems.
Simply stated, it finds out what the other person wants and
plans how to meet that requirement as far as is reasonable.
When both parties do this, agreement is attained.
The factors are: negotiation, conciliation, concession and
compromise, and using these effectively is called "The Art
of the Possible." It is directed toward finding the balance
among conflicting desires which will give the greatest all-round
satisfaction.
Sometimes the initial efforts fail and different ways have
to be tried. Diplomats do not try to saw sawdust. They get
on to a new piece of wood. They bring in a new point or take
a new viewpoint. They change some factor so as to give the
problem a new surface on which they can get a grip.
One can be a diplomat cheerfully. There are some people
who become depressed, and go around as if they were trying
to qualify for Shakespeare's description: "... like the painting
of a sorrow." Being a diplomat in the family can be full of
quiet delight and pleasure. Even the simple device of collecting
tidbits of information, news and humour to be trotted out
at the diplomatic moment is a satisfaction-giving experience.
Educate your heart
Diplomacy in the home is taking care in little ways so as
to reduce life's fitful fever. It means making adjustments
both of thinking and acting so as to meet and cope with ever-changing
situations composedly and with good sense.
Diplomacy does not consist in making promises or holding
out prizes. Children are living at the exciting wave front
of life. We need to be careful not to offer young people too
many hopes, too many choices, too much for too little. At
the same time we must not discourage their ambition to be
the best in whatever sort of life they choose.
We pay attention to informing and training our minds, but
diplomacy requires us to educate our hearts. It means not
only keeping the home fire burning but throwing a pinch of
incense on it once in a while. It includes some kind deeds
done for their own sake without expecting a return.
Even if the bond of family kinship is not so strong as it
once was, there is need for the ties of friendship if people
are to live happily together, and one of the strong links
in friendship is diplomacy. The person who applies diplomacy
successfully will not only strew benefits but will reap flowers.
Published by RBC Financial Group. All editions from the RBC
Letter collection are available on our web site at www.rbc.com/responsibility/letter.
Our e-mail address is: rbcletter@rbc.com.
Publié aussi en francais.
[ Return to RBC Letter
home page ]
|
