October 1965 — VOL. 46, No. l0 —
Courtesy in Correspondence
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Writing letters is a skill; writing
courteous letters is a social art worth developing.
Courtesy means that you refuse a favour in so considerate
a way as to keep a friend, and do not grant credit in so grudging
a way as to kill all hope of future business.
Considerations of manner and demeanour cannot be dismissed
as frivolous or unimportant. They are significant elements
in the lives of everyone from a statesman engaging in international
diplomacy to the husband and wife making a go of marriage.
In business, our accomplishments are enhanced by our observance
of decorum and manners.
Every individual is required to operate within the symbol
system of his culture. He uses recognized patterns of behaviour
to demonstrate that he has the qualities that are respected
by his fellow men.
Confucius said: "It is good manners which make the excellence
of a neighbourhood. No wise man will settle where they are
lacking."
It may be true, as some people say, that manners have progressively
deteriorated as society has receded from the patriarchal stage
through industrial revolution to the affluent age. One of
the dangers in the growth of the democratic spirit is that
people come to take bad manners as a demonstration of freedom
from the discipline of non—democracy, having not yet
learned that the power of the people has its duties as well
as its liberties.
How can we define good manners? To be well—mannered
is to do the thing you should do although you are not obliged
to do it. This means being considerate of others, taking no
unfair advantage, avoiding personalities that hurt people,
and never being intentionally impolite.
Manners are of more importance than laws. The law touches
us only here and there and now and then; manners vex or please
us, exalt or debase us, constantly. Moses is known as the
"great law—giver", particularly because he inscribed
the Ten Commandments, but he entered the field of manners,
too. He went beyond the "musts" of a well—organized society,
and prescribed the conduct of a gentleman: to be gentle with
those who are afflicted, to refrain from gossip, to respect
the aged, and to be kind even to strangers.
No matter to what station in life you belong, or how highly
educated you may be, you owe courtesy to your fellow men.
Here is an illustration from the life of Sir Winston Churchill:
On a day in May 1941 when he had already been on his feet
in the House of Commons with hard news about the fighting
in Crete, he rose for a second time with a piece of welcome
news, but he apologized all the same for interrupting the
House: "I do not know whether I might venture, with great
respect, to intervene for one moment. I have just received
news that the Bismarck is sunk."
Good manners include tact, the art of all arts. Tact means
taking pains and some trouble to see that others are not neglected,
and doing the kind thing in a pleasant way. Great leaders
are tactful in dealing with people, taking many precautions
which lesser men neglect.
When writing letters
Have you ever stopped to think how self—revealing your
letters are? Socrates said to a young man who was introduced
to him to have his capabilities tested: "Talk in order that
I may see you." In their letters people reveal and picture
themselves in all their individuality.
Much of business today is done by correspondence. We may
close the biggest deal without meeting the person with whom
we transact the business. We must read his letters carefully
so as to get his point, and write our own letters carefully
so as to convey our meaning.
More than that, we need to write letters of good will. It
is courteous to make it evident to your correspondent that
you are writing him cheerfully and not as a chore.
Congeniality makes an important contribution to your happiness,
even if it is expressed in face of hostility. You belittle
your dignity if you allow a discourteous correspondent to
set the pattern for your reply. There is no surer sign of
a great mind than that it refuses to notice annoying expressions
and the cross—grained humours of fellow citizens and
colleagues. As the Superman boasted in Nietzsche's doctrine:
"I have to carry what is heavy; and what matter if beetles
and May—bugs also alight on my load!"
Nothing is so disarming to an angry opponent as composure.
Dogs bark at the slightest stir, before they have seen whether
it be caused by friend or foe, but man's reason gives him
the chance to deliberate. Instead of dashing off an out—of—temper
letter with its sarcastic phrases and blunt aggressiveness
we can analyse the situation, take command of it, and avoid
a shabby display of peevishness.
When a man loses his temper he also loses his sense of dignity,
his common sense, and his feeling for justice. It is a good
rule, when you are so exasperated that you simply must get
something off your chest, to hold over your letter for a second
look tomorrow.
Respect others and yourself
Tune in on people. One of the surest ways to win a man is
to show respect for his knowledge and deference to his person.
There is no more evident sign of intellectual ill breeding
than to speak or write slightingly of any knowledge you yourself
do not happen to possess. Your urge to show yourself superior
will dig a hole for your pride.
Men are fighting a constant battle against oblivion, and
do not like being taken for granted. The craving of people
for personal recognition is a deep and fundamental human need.
Your letters should be written so as to make your correspondent
feel important and capable.
Courtesy demands, therefore, that you treat your correspondent's
name and position and title with respect. Some people, but
they are few, do not care what you call them so long as they
get the information they want. Most people respect their names,
and expect you to do so too. Your letter, though it be truthful,
must not rub your correspondent the wrong way. Give him nourishment
for his self—esteem.
It is well to keep in mind that the letter you write may
be read by others than the man to whom you address it" his
secretary, his assistant, the person who will have to deal
directly with the matter about which you write, and the filing
clerks. To humiliate your correspondent in the eyes of these
people is to impart a grievous wound.
Every letter, even the most official, is capable of a peculiar
dignity in the form of it, peculiar in that it is fitting
to your correspondent, to its subject matter, and to you.
It is void of arrogance and yet not condescending.
A good letter
There is general agreement that if a letter is worth writing
it is worth writing well, and no excuse should be allowed
to interfere. A firm may spend millions of dollars to advertise
its products, only to have some untrained, uninterested or
thoughtless clerk spoil the effect by writing an uninspired
or shoddy letter.
There is room for honest pride in the successful communication
of ideas. Despite all the imposing titles he won in a lifetime
of service to humanity, Franklin described himself in his
Will: "I, Benjamin Franklin, Printer... "
To be good communication, your letter ought to have a tendency
to benefit the reader; it should be written distinctly and
clearly. Your words should be the most expressive that the
language affords provided that they are generally understood.
But there is more to it than that. Good letters are not
merely the written record of information we desire to reach
someone else. We are losing their greatest effectiveness unless
we use them to influence people. Very few propositions are
decided by pure logic, but involve the imagination and feelings.
Good composition in letter—writing does not mean using
rhyme or alliteration, but the graceful expression of a creative
spirit. It changes the writing of letters from a dull grind
to an exciting exercise in which your mind gives life to your
words.
The basis of all this is to find out the dominant interest
of the person to whom you are writing, and include in your
letter some appeal to that interest.
You cannot just pick up an incoming letter and start dictating
a reply. Take a look at what you want to express and then
think about how to put it down. Ask yourself what are your
correspondent's interests, and write about them. You will
be surprised to notice how few are the questions and how unpenetrating
are the comments you receive about your own activities. Think
what interesting things you could tell if someone pushed the
proper button!
When you write a letter you are in competition with many
other writers for your correspondent's attention and interest.
This is not a competition in which the winner is the man who
writes most poetically, or most grammatically, or most fluently,
or most ornately. It is one in which the prize goes to the
person who can best guide and inform and persuade. To give
information is one function of a letter. To persuade to some
action or belief is another function. To combine these in
friendly language requires the greatest skill and a warm heart.
All correspondence will adhere to the simple rules of common
decency, but you can go further. Let your letters have something
in them not common and ordinary. Just as small talk is necessary
in social intercourse, so small talk is needed in a letter.
It helps to bridge the gap between thought and thought; it
brings down the technicalities and abstractions to the human
level.
The exchange of ideas
A sense of participation and sharing characterizes successful
communication, and this is helped when you convey something
of your feelings and motives.
The most important executive characteristic of which we
are certain is the ability to communicate two ways - outward
and inward. While writing in such a way as to give your reader
the opportunity to apprehend your meaning readily and precisely,
be sure to give him his turn to express his thoughts so that
you understand them.
The letters exchanged between you and a customer or supplier
are nothing more than a conversation between two people talking
of their affairs. They should have the grace and urbanity
you would use in a club lounge or over a coffee table.
During these conversations by mail you will run into these
situations: sometimes you are right; sometimes both are partly
right; sometimes the other person is right. Because of these
possibilities, you need to pay attention, not to listen by
halves. What your correspondent is saying to you may be misguided,
but it serves to bring your thinking into focus. The great
orator of ancient times, Cicero, left it on record that he
always studied his adversary's case with as great, if not
with still greater, intensity than his own. Cicero believed
that he who knows only his own side of the case knows little
of that.
When a troublesome suggestion has been made, restate it
clearly and simply for two reasons: to make sure that you
are both writing about the same thing, and to make evident
your sympathy and understanding.
Every wise person expects, and welcomes, objections and
opposition to his ideas and plans when he first brings them
forward. He appreciates having these protests out in the open
so that he can meet them and lead their author toward a different
way of thinking.
In developing this written conversation it is important
to be affable in phraseology and unvaryingly moderate. We
all know people who are handicapped by the fact that even
when their points are valid they present them with such screechiness
as to make us back away.
If someone has difficulty in taking in what you have written,
think first whether what you wrote was as clear as you could
have made it. The fault may be in yourself, and to change
a fault in oneself is much easier than to change the intellectual
capacity of another.
People require different periods for mental digestion, but
everyone requires some time to assimilate what he reads. We
should allow for this in our correspondence, and by simplicity
of explanation make the digestive process easier. It is less
difficult to move your correspondent from one point of view
to its opposite by short steps than long ones. Show him that
you have explored alternatives and have objectively analysed
their possibilities and drawbacks.
Always leave a way of escape open to your correspondent.
There is much to be said for the old Chinese doctrine of "face—saving".
And know when to give in. There was a philosopher who argued
with an emperor, and lost. "I am never ashamed," he remarked,
"to be confuted by one who is master of fifty legions."
Constructive and positive
It is never very satisfactory merely to clear your correspondent's
mind of error; it is equally necessary to set it thinking
correctly. Here is another area where your personal interest
counts. You can dip a thousand pens into a thousand ink—pots
without moving the mind of your correspondent an inch, but
if you pluck a phrase of interest to him from the activity
of your mind, you have him in the hollow of your hand.
Charming ways are quick winners. These are your expression
of consideration and goodwill. Far from being evidence of
cowardice, intelligent compromise is often the essence of
courageous wisdom. When you yield on small points which are
of concern to your correspondent, then out of sheer chivalry
he is likely to give in to you on points which are vital to
your case.
We can say that the first thing a correspondent looks for
in a letter is friendliness. Then he seeks some spark of emotional
appeal or response.
These are not achieved by having beside you an array of
pleasant words and sentiments for insertion in your letters.
Such a list may help you to express yourself, but unless your
friendliness is real you are putting up a fragile sham front.
Next on the list, or perhaps it should be first, your correspondent
requires that your reply be prompt. People may differ about
the form a letter should take, how lengthy it should be, and
many other points, but no one can successfully argue against
the need for promptness in writing.
Some offices have the rule that all letters must be acknowledged
immediately, even though action on them may be delayed. This
courteous gesture serves to assure the reader that his letter
has been received and will be given full attention.
"Discretion" is a good word for the letter—writer to
have in mind. Take no liberties, either in blaming or in complimenting.
Intimacy is not an excuse for rough manners, nor for telling
the truth out of place or unnecessarily. Prudence in letter—writing
will make up for many lacks.
If, in spite of all your efforts to be moderate and to compromise,
you must disagree with your correspondent, do it gently. Avoid
delivering final judgments. Dogmatism is all right in a railroad
time—table, but it has little place in the discussion
of a commercial transaction or a personal problem.
One of the greatest talents is that of knowing when to give
way, and then to yield with good grace. You thereby remove
all appearance of constraint, and like the warriors in King
Henry V, sheathe your swords for lack of argument.
Complaint letters
There is no more testing exercise in business than the handling
of complaint letters. Do not do it grudgingly.
A letter of complaint is advance warning of a possible rupture
with your correspondent. A most effective tactic is to treat
it as a constructive suggestion about how to improve your
service. Tell your correspondent he has done you a good turn.
A quite moderate degree of conciliatory behaviour will placate
your correspondent and win him over to the adjustment you
suggest.
Above all, if you or your firm are in the wrong, admit it
quickly and whole—heartedly. Instead of trying out an
alibi, or working around to your confession by degrees, come
right out and say "You are entirely correct" or "You are quite
right to complain". One of Confucius' most famous sayings
is that "a man who has made a mistake and doesn't correct
it is making another mistake".
Seldom is it safe to joke about a complaint. People with
complaints usually crave sympathy, not humour. Sarcasm is
a sharp weapon and is sure to leave a deep wound. To make
your correspondent appear ridiculous may give you a narrow
sort of satisfaction, but result in grievous harm to your
firm or your cause.
Your letter of apology for a mistake need not be tear—stained,
but it should be sincere and should evidence your integrity
and chivalry. As Princess Victoria wrote in her diary: "People
will readily forget an insult or an injury when others own
their fault and express sorrow or regret at what they have
done." The letter of apology should be signed by an officer
of importance in your organization. This demonstrates to the
man with a grievance that he is someone of account.
Do not let your people bottle up complaint letters. Keep
a "hot line" open. If an employee takes half a day to decide
that a complaint is worth passing upstairs to his manager,
and the manager hesitates for a day before admitting that
a customer has found fault with someone or something under
his management, and one of your assistants holds back the
letter until you are in a receptive frame of mind - then you
have lost the priceless advantage of quick action.
On the other hand - appreciation
Courtesy is not only in response to some challenge or act.
It is outgoing, seeking means for expression. The worst sin
toward our fellow creatures, said the sharp—tongued George
Bernard Shaw, is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to
them.
To praise good work or actions heartily is in some measure
to take part in them. Because there are many times when it
is necessary to deal sternly with people it seems only sensible
to take advantage of every opportunity to recognize and compliment
them. Dr. Samuel Johnson wrote with bitterness to the Earl
of Chesterfield: "I had done all that I could; and no man
is well pleased to have his all neglected, be it ever so little."
When someone writes you a letter of particular charm or
ready understanding, do not shy away from writing to express
your cordial appreciation.
We are not machines
In any discussion of letter—writing, someone is sure
to bring up the question of the modern way of doing things.
They deny the fact that communication between people is not
a variation of communication between computers.
Letter—writing demands that we write as if we were
talking with one of our peers. If we must choose between discourteous
abruptness and the snuffy and old—fashioned manners of
courtesy, business will be the better and human relations
will be happier if we lean toward the latter. Many schools
have most lamentably neglected to provide pupils with alternative
courtesy phrases to use instead of those which are condemned.
The greatest social asset that a man or woman can have is
charm, and charm cannot exist without good manners. This does
not mean slavishly following some rules, but using habitually
manners polished by the continuous practice of kind impulses.
Courtesy is far and away the most effective quality to lift
you above the crowd. It makes you treat every man with such
consideration that his memory of you will be pleasant.
Ralph Waldo Emerson expressed a true idea of courtesy in
his "Conduct of Life". Some people brush off good manners
as being superficial, but Emerson said: "Manners are the happy
ways of doing things. If they are superficial, so are the
dewdrops which give such a depth to the morning meadows."
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